Something I wish I knew before I got married... Part II

 

2. My Husband is not my complete happiness and he is NOT my savior.

 

When I was younger, I believed that finding the guy for me meant finding someone that was always going to make me completely happy. ALL THE TIME. Someone that was never going to hurt me, make me upset, mad, or make me want to karate chop him in the face…

 

 

I started having boyfriends when I was around maybe thirteen? Not serious boyfriends, obviously, but I thought it was pretty serious then. I dated some really weird guys (no offense to those that I’ve dated that are possibly reading this). I was pretty weird myself, as some of you may remember. I’m still weird, what am I talking about?

Anyway, I always ended things whenever I was hurt or whenever I got mad. I always ended things when things got tough or not easy to handle or when I realized I was the only one making an effort at keeping things together. I made sure that I wasn’t going to be in a relationship that took too much out of me. I expected the special someone I was going to be with, to always make me happy. So everyone that didn’t live up to that, I didn’t want to be with.

 

 

 

 

When I first started talking to my husband, I thought that he was the most sweet, thoughtful, kindest, caring person ever. I was going through a rough time in my “love life” when I first got that message from my husband, a stranger to me (I knew his family, so no stranger danger) , over Facebook: “Hey, how are you doing? J”

 

I had just broken up with my ex boyfriend. I found out that my ex still had feelings for his ex and that he had “hung out” with her the weekend I was away visiting family, without telling me. He also thought that I didn’t care for him as much as he cared for me. He thought that there was something wrong with me and that I just wasn’t being what he wanted me to be. He wanted to “take a break” and “take some space” for himself. I agreed to wait for him, at first. But then I realized that if he really cared about me, he wouldn’t expect me to be any other way than what I was being. Plus, I’ve done that “waiting game” before and it turned into me waiting for something that wasn’t ever going to be what the other person wanted it to be. So I just told him to forget it, we were over, and I was done chasing after and waiting for someone that thought that I didn’t care about him.

 

 I was giving up on looking for someone to be with. I didn’t want any kind of relationship as more than friends with a guy at that time. I was trying to find happiness through relationships and didn’t believe I would ever find it.

 

I wasn’t looking anymore, but God helped me find what I wasn't looking for. He helped me find the one that was there to help me pick myself up, when I was at one of my lowest points. I will always remember the phrase my husband, a stranger at the time, told me, “Hold on to the things that are automatic in your life, let go of everything else.” He reminded me of what I needed to do to be happy again.

 

 He became one of those things that were “automatic” in my life, along with God and my family.

 

When he and I began to date, I learned more than I had ever known about relationships. Our relationship was a long distance relationship. He lived about four hours away from me. Yet we still made each other happy. We were even happier when we were able to see each other over Skype or talking to each other over the phone. We didn’t seriously fight at all.

There was that one week, though, that we do not speak of. The week when we tried to see what it would be like without talking to each other, to see if our relationship was real. We decided not to do that ever again. We doubted our relationship, tried something to fix it, and it worked.

 

He made me happy and I made him happy, miles apart.

 

We still had moments when we would doubt our relationship later on, because things started getting tougher. He went into the military and went through basic training, I was graduating high school. We made it through those moments though, together. Happily. We talked about getting married and how it would make us both happy to never be away from each other again.

 

After he and I got married, we began our adventure. We tackled it head on. I was expecting him to make me happy, no matter what and he was expecting me to make him happy, no matter what. We’ve already proved that we could do that. As long as we had each other.

We moved far away from family and found out that I was pregnant a month or two later. We were definitely on a “happy high”.

 

We started learning things about each other and we couldn’t get enough.

 

Then things started settling down.

 

There were times when my husband would come home from work wanting to be alone or he’d want to go over to a friend’s house, instead of wanting to spend time together with me. He’d have bad moods and wouldn’t want to do anything that I wanted to do. Of course, as a newlywed, I got upset and hurt at those things. I’d have bad moods too and he’d get upset.

I used to think, “He must not be happy with me. He must not want to do anything with me anymore. He’s tired of me already.” I used to think that it wasn’t fair that he was being that way and I had to be the strong one and deal with it. I was the only one allowed to be moody!

 

 I used to always try to be the “perfect wife”. I used to always think of different ways to try to make him happy even if it meant not being myself. I would thrive under his compliments and tender love, but I would cower and close up when he wouldn’t notice how hard I was trying or when he’d tell me that it didn’t seem like I was trying at all.  

 

I based my mood and happiness off of his mood and happiness. You’re probably thinking that that’s what I’m supposed to do as a spouse, right? Well, you’re wrong.

I’m not saying that I shouldn’t sympathize or try to put myself in his shoes when he’s hurting, in a bad mood, or not happy. Or that I shouldn’t hurt when he’s hurting. There’s a difference.

 

I’m saying that BASING my mood and happiness on the words and actions of an imperfect person will ALWAYS lead to disappointment. Expecting him to be a certain way, feel a certain way, or act a certain way because of how I feel like he SHOULD, ALWAYS leads to disappointment. Expecting so much out of him ALWAYS leads to disappointment. Disappointment always leads to a deeper pain and sometimes even changes the way you look at your significant other and even yourself.

 

When I realized this, I felt so foolish and ashamed. Here I was basing my human feelings on another human’s feelings, wondering why I was getting hurt and feeling inadequate.

 

 

Then I came across this quote:

 

“When you aren’t depending on your husband to fill you up, then he can make mistakes and you are still okay. He can say the wrong thing and you can forgive him quickly. He can struggle and question his direction and you don’t fall into despair. He can be your partner and your friend, because he does not have to be your savior.” – Lysa TerKeurst

 

There it was! I was ashamed and foolish, because I was looking for my husband to be my savior and I was trying my hardest to be his.

 

The Bible says, “As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Abide in my love. If you keep my commandments, you will abide in my love, just as I have kept my Father’s commandments and abide in his love. These things I have spoken to you, that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be full.” John 15:9-11

 

 

Jesus is my savior and in him, my joy should already be full. No matter what my husband does or how he acts, I should always look to Jesus first and remember that my joy is already full. Then I should react in love towards my husband, even if my husband does something to hurt my feelings or if things aren’t going my way.

 

Yes, my husband should be apart of my happiness and will always be a BIG part of that happiness, but he will never be my complete happiness. Yes, my husband should be apart of my strength when I'm too weak to do some things, but my Lord is my ultimate strength. Yes, my husband loves me and I love him, but Jesus' love is unconditional and there will never be a love like His. My husband was never meant to be my savior, but Jesus IS my Savior.

 

As painful as it can be to have those things we’re insecure about, those arguments that seem to last forever, and unmet expectations, all of those things in marriage can grow us closer to Jesus, our  one true savior, if we do the right thing and let them. The one we should look towards to make our happiness complete, is our savior, Jesus.

 

I challenge you today to take all of those insecurities, painful arguments, and unmet expectations to Jesus and lay them at his feet. Then see how you feel. Imagine what could happen to our marriages if we would all do this.

 

 I struggle with doing this sometimes and I have to keep reminding myself to do it. Every time I take all of those things to the one true savior, my marriage gets better, I get closer to my husband and most of all, I get closer to God. But sometimes I forget to LEAVE those things at Jesus' feet and walk away from them. So I do still struggle with these things. I am not perfect, my husband is not perfect, but our savior is. And he loves us perfectly.

 

I thank the Lord for being my Savior and loving me despite my struggles with these things. You should too.