Something I wish I knew before I got married.

 

 

 

I thought that I knew exactly what I was getting myself into when I married my husband at the age of 19, right out of high school. I grew up listening to my mom and dad talk about how they met and when they got married. I grew up watching my mom and dad hold hands, and flirt with each other out in the open, I rarely saw them fight or be mad at each other. They always made sure they told each other that they love each other and they made sure they showed it to my brother and me. I always would say to myself, “I’m going to find something like that, even if it takes me forever.”

 

When I found who I was looking for, I began to read the Bible and different books about being my husband’s “Help Meet” and “How to get through the first year of marriage”. Those were helpful and still are. I’m not saying that books aren’t a good way to prepare oneself. But to truly understand what the author of the book is talking about, you’ll have to go through the situation yourself.

 

Anyway, I felt confident that I had exactly what it took to be a great wife. I thought that I knew everything there was to know about my situation. I was going to be the best wife ever to my sweet, loving husband that seemed to have nothing that I didn’t like about him. I didn’t expect anything out of him then, I thought.

 

When I decided to marry my husband, boyfriend at the time, I didn’t realize how much pressure I was really putting on him and I to be perfect for each other. I didn’t realize how much I was really ignoring and looking past all of the things that really mattered. I was looking past the things that I wish I would’ve seen, before I got married.

Like:

 

1.I am a selfish, selfish person.

 

When I got married, I didn’t realize how selfish I really was. I didn’t realize how much of myself I put before my husband. I didn’t know how much expectations I really had for my marriage, until after I got married.

 

I expected everything to be picture perfect. I expected to find through every situation that my husband knew exactly how to treat me; that he knew how to read my mind. It hurt me and made me angry every time my husband didn’t live up to those expectations. It hurt my pride and made me start to resent him. It made me think that he didn’t love me as much as I loved him. I always thought that if he really loved me, he would know exactly what to do to make me feel better. I thought that he SHOULD do whatever he could to make me feel better. I was sacrificing so much, why wasn’t he doing everything in his power to make me happy? Why wasn’t he treating me like the princess that my mom, daddy, and grannie always treated me like? Was there something wrong with me? Was I not what he expected? He certainly wasn’t what I expected; did I make a mistake marrying him?

 

See how far that thought process went? See how far and hurt I really lead myself to be, because of how selfish I was being? Instead of believing the best in my husband, I was making everything about me. Me, me, me. I was thinking about how everything that was going on, was affecting me. I didn’t pause and think the smallest thought about how selfish I was being.

 

I had a wakeup call coming for me, didn’t I?

 

A couple years into our marriage (earlier this year), I was sulking. I wasn’t getting my way about something, my husband had a bad attitude, and I was blaming my husband for everything that was wrong. I was blaming him for how I felt and how I reacted to the things that he was doing. All of his bad habits became so evident and made me want to just be bitter and cold with every little thing that I faced. It made me look at everything negatively, because my husband was acting that way and wasn’t taking MY feelings into consideration. I knew that he knew how I felt, but I felt like he didn’t care about how I felt because of how he was acting.

 

I remember the day that my husband came to me, vulnerable and afraid of how I would react. He told me how I made him feel and how much he wished I would try to understand and love him for who he was. He told me to not expect so much out of him. He reminded me that he wasn’t perfect and that I wasn’t perfect either. At first, I was skeptical. I felt like he was wrong for coming to me and telling me all of that. I thought he was pointing out what was wrong with me to make himself look better, to make himself feel better. He was saying that I was wrong. And how did I react? I defended myself. I attacked him, like I thought he was doing to me. I pointed out his flaws and compared them to mine that I thought wasn’t anywhere as big as his. It hurt him even more and he left the room. He did what any sensible person would do. He walked away from being criticized.

 

 I was heartbroken. Here was the man that I loved (and still love), the man that God put on this earth for me, coming to me and telling me that I was hurting him through my actions that I thought were justified. I began searching my heart, praying to God to give me answers to what I needed to do. I asked God to open my eyes to whatever was really happening. I asked God to change me, if I was the one in the wrong.

 

You’d never guess what happened. My husband came back into the room, seconds after I got finished praying. He held me while I cried. He told me how much he loved me and how much I meant and still mean to him. He told me that he didn’t mean to hurt me and that everything was going to be okay. He told me that no matter how long it took, we were going to figure this out. Together.

 

God changed me that night. It wasn’t a drastic change right then, but it became a beginning of a gradual change. It hasn’t been long since that night. I’m still changing every day, into a better person and wife for my husband. I’m learning what it truly means to serve my husband even when I feel like he’s not treating me the way I should be treated and doesn’t seem servable.

 

Since then, I’ve opened up more to my husband. I’ve let him come closer to me than ever and he has opened up to me more, allowing me to be closer to him. I’ve come to realize that he has struggles that I’ve seen on the surface, but not underneath them because of what I was focusing on: myself. Focusing on me was coming in between him and me. So instead of focusing on myself, I’ve began to focus on what my husband needs from me. I looked back at the Bible verses about marriage and how a wife should be. But I came across this Bible verse and was dumbfounded:

 

 “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.” –Matthew 7:3-5 (NIV)

 

 

I wasn’t seeing how my selfishness was affecting my husband. I was really making it harder for him to be who he needed to be as a husband, father, and man of God, because of how I was reacting to his imperfections like we all have. In most ways, my imperfections became worse than his. Mine were fueling his. Especially, when I would point out his imperfections, without coming clean of my own imperfections.

 

Understanding that has made me a better person today. It motivates me to do things that I need to get done even when I don’t feel like doing them, with grace. It motivates me to show love to my husband even when he shows his imperfections to me. It motivates me to show gratitude even when I feel like he’s in the wrong.

 

Of course, I am not perfect at all of those things. I still don’t always show grace, gratitude, or the best kind of love. But it’s something that I’m working on and it has become more evident to me of how much I really need to change my way of doing things, if I want my husband to be the man God needs him to be. God has sent me to be his wife, to help him be closer to Him, and to help lead and guide our family towards Him. Being bitter, critical, and a selfish person doesn’t help him to be those things. In fact, it makes it harder for him to be those things for God.

 

I am so thankful to God that He has given me a man that is imperfect… but perfect for me. My husband, my man, my best friend, definitely helps me be who I need to be for God. And I’m trying harder every day to be the help he needs, to be the person God needs him to be.

 

Does being selfish keep you from being who you need to be for your spouse? Are you only focusing on their imperfections and not realizing yours? How could you better love your spouse?